Sunday, February 15, 2015

It's right here on the Internet

My household is rife with disagreement over a question of safety: when trying to grasp a hard-to-reach object, like a ceiling light bulb or can of tomatoes in the back of a high shelf, is it a bad idea to stand on a convenient and sturdy metal folding chair instead of taking the time and trouble to find a stepladder in a closet somewhere, carry it through the house and set in on the floor--right next to the metal folding chair?

There are only two people in this household, so when I say the "household is rife with disagreement," logic tells you that the current discord involves not only both occupants but all occupants. Therefore, the peace that would result from ending this conflict can be fairly described as "universal."

There is a solution. One of the parties to this controversy, the leader and entire membership of the pro-ladder faction, has, quite benevolently, I will say, agreed to give up the fight if the other party, the folding chair faction, will show clear Internet proof that standing on a metal folding chair is relatively safe when compared to other commonplace shortcuts,

So:
Research has shown that more Americans die each year while carrying the garbage out to the road while wearing bedroom slippers or opening the refrigerator and drinking milk straight from the carton than die from standing on metal folding chairs. 
There it is, right on the Internet. Problem solved.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Christmas 2014: The Victimization of Frank

What's Christmas without a little self-pity?