Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Sentence of the Week #1

When your right to keep and bear arms meets up with my right to keep and arm bears, good luck, because after the novelty of training a squad of grizzlies in my basement firing range wears off, I'll probably set them free, guns and all, so they'll roam the streets until they reach your neighborhood, at which point you'll panic, grab your guns and start shooting at a bunch of bears that are, let's face it, simply obeying their natural instincts to feed themselves by hunting for food--your food, granted, but they're bears, dammit, they don't understand advanced concepts like property rights or saying "Please"--which will trigger, if you'll pardon the pun, another natural instinct, that of self-protection, an instinct that will be manifested in the bears' returning fire, and when your lawn becomes a kill zone running with blood and your cul-de-sac echoes with the cries of the wounded and dying, I'll be home laughing because everyone, you, me and the bears, is exercising their rights, yet you and the bears are dying in a war of attrition while I'm stretched out in my recliner, doing word search puzzles to the music of distant gunfire.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

It's right here on the Internet

My household is rife with disagreement over a question of safety: when trying to grasp a hard-to-reach object, like a ceiling light bulb or can of tomatoes in the back of a high shelf, is it a bad idea to stand on a convenient and sturdy metal folding chair instead of taking the time and trouble to find a stepladder in a closet somewhere, carry it through the house and set in on the floor--right next to the metal folding chair?

There are only two people in this household, so when I say the "household is rife with disagreement," logic tells you that the current discord involves not only both occupants but all occupants. Therefore, the peace that would result from ending this conflict can be fairly described as "universal."

There is a solution. One of the parties to this controversy, the leader and entire membership of the pro-ladder faction, has, quite benevolently, I will say, agreed to give up the fight if the other party, the folding chair faction, will show clear Internet proof that standing on a metal folding chair is relatively safe when compared to other commonplace shortcuts,

So:
Research has shown that more Americans die each year while carrying the garbage out to the road while wearing bedroom slippers or opening the refrigerator and drinking milk straight from the carton than die from standing on metal folding chairs. 
There it is, right on the Internet. Problem solved.