Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Number One Man for the Number Two Spot

Rock Island Argus
Moline Dispatch
March 11, 2010
Like so many great ideas, it came from nowhere.

I was reading in the Argus that the Democratic candidate for Illinois Lieutenant Governor had dropped out of the race. His reasons had to do with tax evasion, a casual attitude toward paying child support and dating women who charge by the hour. To fill the vacancy, the Illinois Democratic Party had started accepting online applications to select a new candidate.

Now, I’m a typical 61-year-old guy, subject to occasional attacks of regret for paths not taken, brass rings left unsought. I thought about running for office. I have no political experience. A newcomer to Illinois, I know little about state issues and couldn’t find Springfield on a map without help. I’m inexperienced, incapable and unaware.

Put that all together and it spells “Frank Mullen for Illinois Lieutenant Governor.”

Filling out the online application for nomination was a breeze.

It asked why I’m a Democrat. Well, I explained, there’s currently a three-year waiting list for entry-level positions in organized crime, and most of those jobs don’t have health benefits.

Do I have political experience? No, but in Illinois, that’s a plus. Never having held elected office, my reputation is untainted by the slightest hint of political scandal.

I was forthright in listing the strengths I could bring to the Democratic ticket. At a time when voters are sick of insiders, elites and career politicians, I offer political inexperience, below-average intellect and a proven history of losing interest in things after a few weeks.

I struggled with the last question: who supports my candidacy? Since the real answer was “nobody,” I hedged a bit and explained that I am “beholden to no organization or public figure, so my candidacy will be free from the stigma of ‘endorsements’ and ‘support.’”

Within a day, I heard back from the Democrats by e-mail, saying they’d received my application for Lieutenant Governor. I considered this a ringing endorsement and launched my campaign.

The Democratic Party will select their new candidate sometime this month, so I knew I had to move fast. The first thing I did was break my pledge to run without institutional support. I put up a website with a petition and formed a Facebook group. The response so far has been overwhelming, in a meager, trifling sort of way. High school friends and college pals are behind me. My old division officer from the Navy, who grew up playing in Chicago polka bands, volunteered to be my Chief-of-staff. Another old shipmate, Max, who went to boot camp in Great Lakes in the 1970s, also offered his inexperience.

Of course, none of these supporters lives anywhere near Illinois. That’s a problem, along with the fact that I have no platform, ideas or positions on issues of importance. But this is Illinois--I’ll deal with those minor details later.

Be assured that I am not using my position as a columnist, a position of public trust, to unethically promote a partisan agenda. (What? In Illinois?) I’m preparing to apply for the Republican nomination, too, should that party’s candidate for Lieutenant Governor also resign in scandal. If I run on both tickets, no matter which party loses, you still get me.

Frank Mullen: Untrustworthy. Untested. Unindicted.

Have I left anything out?

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